Transformers Summer Beach Resort
by Charon the Sabercat
Summary: A feel-good crackfic which features Autobots being far too altruistic on a surprise vacation. Hopefully funnier than it sounds, but probably just really weird. Featuring G1 and Bay-verse. Rating bumped for Sam's dirty wants.
1. Intro to Episode 1: G1 Bunch

Autobot Autobot Summer Resort

(like a zombie) Craaaaaaaaaaaack. CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK. (Also a fully-functional, if verbose, walkthrough! Eventually, anyway.)

Skids interrupted the usual quiet, rather mumble-ridden lunch in the mess hall by running full-speed into the energon dispensers and screaming.

"I've found it! I've found the promised land!" shouted the joyful mech, grabbing an unimpressed Grapple by the shoulders and shaking him.

"That's nice, Skids."

"No really, I have! I chanted my way there!"

"Chanted?" Jazz turned in his seat to watch Skids. "We don't have to go through an armoir this time?"

Skids huffed and turn on his ankle. "I will have you know that I still regularly correspond with Mr. Tumnus, thank you."

"Skids, please." Optimus laid a gentle hand on Skids' shoulder and rubbed. "We are all very tired. Can it wait until after lunch?"

"No! Everyone is here at the same time! I have to do this _now_!" Skids held Optimus' hand tightly, brimming with excitement. "I've already brought Omega Supreme and Skyfire!"

A tiny flicker of panic sparked in Optimus' chest. "You've done _what_ to O-"

"And besides, there's free food!" Skids waved his arms wildly, attracting as much of the mess hall's attention as he could. "_Tons_ of it, and delicious! And _human-style beds_!"

"Human style?" Red Alert remarked, curious.

"And a _beach_!"

Beachcomber and Hound shared an approving look, not believing Skids raving sermon but liking the sound of his imaginary place either way.

"And tennis courts!"

Ratchet finally stood up. "Okay, Skids, I don't know what you took, but you need the antivirus as soon as possible."

Skids wasn't listening. He had jumped onto Skyfire's extra-tall table and had begun to chant, holding his arms in a traditional Cybertronian meditation pose. Bumblebee looked between Skids and the door.

"Um..." the Beetle laced his fingers. "Optimus, should we leave?"

Optimus growled and made to halt Skids' moving hands. "Skids, stop this a-

"-t once, you are- ... are..."

Optimus Prime, along with the entirety of the Autobot army... was in a parking lot. A very large asphalt lot, freshly painted and surrounded on all sides by trees. Not wild trees, either; specifically placed, matching height, carefully trimmed landscaped trees. The air smelled clean and slightly salty; the sky was alarmingly blue, with only wisps of white cloud on the very farthest horizon. Something told Optimus they weren't in Oregon anymore, maybe the fact that it was the middle of September and it was somewhere in the mid-90s in temperature, balmy but not humid.

The Autobots were confused, scouring the parking lot for any sign of familiarity. The only thing they could recognize was Omega Supreme, sprawled along one side of the immense lot, unabashedly basking in the sunlight.

"I can't fit through the trees!" Hound called. "They're spaced together like a chess board."

There was something a bit threatening in Optimus Prime's voice when he spoke. "Skids... where are we." It wasn't a question as much as an order to spill it.

Skids smiled, unsure but not entirely so. "Um... in the parking lot to paradise, sir."

"Woah, that's a good album title." Blaster waved to Jazz. "YO, JAZZ!"

"YEAH, I HEARD!" Jazz gave a quick thumbs-up. "IT'S AWESOME!"

Skids delicately motioned towards Omega Supreme. "We could go inside if- you know, Omega Supreme would _move_, but..."

"Omega Supreme: stationary." Omega slowly stretched his arms, a comfortable smile spread across his normally solemn face. "Comfort level: maximum."

"This won't do at all," Skids mumbled. "He's blocking the only way inside..."

"OO! I know what we need, we need, um-" Bumblebee pantomimed playing a Gameboy. "Um, a Pokeflute, or somethi-"

"No no no, Pokeflutes only work on Snorlax," Gears snapped.

"Nuh uh! You can use Pokeflute to wake up sleeping Pokemon!"

"No you can't!"

Sideswipe interrupted with, "Yes you can, haven't you tried it before? It totally works!"

Optimus could only groan. "Omega Supreme, please move."

The guardian shuttered his optics shut, smile shrinking just a bit as something within him gurgled. "Negative. Comfort level: maximum. Energy level: charging."

With another groan, Optimus gently rubbed the back of his neck. "Oh... you didn't eat lunch, did you?"

"Negative."

"I see." Optimus rubbed his chin, thinking. "Let me see if I can find you something to eat. Then would you move?"

" ... Affirmative."

"Thank you."

Optimus mingled among the crew, who were varying degrees of peeved (including Skids, who was desperately trying to convince everyone that this wasn't paradise, just the entrance). He was always met with the same basic response to his same basic question ("Do you have any energon left over from lunch?" "No, sorry."). It wasn't until he met Huffer at the very edge of the lot did he get a break.

"Do you have any energon left over from lunch?"

"Well, I did," Huffer groused, "But I dropped it when I landed."

The Prime felt a tingle of hope. "Really? Where did you land?"

"Here."

"Hmm..."

A quick scan of the area found the single energon cube under a shrub. Optimus sprinted back to Omega Supreme and tossed the cube into his fuel tank, waking the giant with a start. As soon as Omega Supreme stood up, the other Autobots squeezed beneath his legs and rushed the so-called paradise, Optimus left behind stuttering and confused. After a few dazed minutes, he followed, leaving Omega Supreme to once again bask in the warming glow of fresh asphalt.

* * *

I forgot how much killed formatting. The short beginning to what was GOING to be a short, cracky fic that is now going to be a loooooooong cracky fic that spans 3 universes, factions, and all 4 episodes of Cartoon Cartoon Summer Resort. (It's still on Cartoon Network's website! Just go, click on games, sort by Adventure games, and it's on the very last page.)


	2. Episode 1, part 1: The One You Can Skip

Autobot Autobot Summer Resort

Yeah, I know the title here and the title you clicked on are different. You can totally skip this chapter if you want; it's mostly scene-setting and location exposition with little non-funny gags thrown in here and there. Man, these chapters seem so much longer on OpenOffice!

Episode 1: Pool Time, Fool Time

Skids was right; the place was nothing short of paradise. Optimus Prime had entered the mysterious place to find a resort, green and luscious and smelling of salt and the Golden Age of Cybertron. In the distance, he could hear his men shouting in delight to each other and themselves, plus a few voices he thought he recognized but knew could not be who he thought they were. Feeling refreshed and unquestioningly safe, Optimus entered.

He explored the place for a long time; there was a flowered hedge maze which led to a main road that ran west to east. The west way had a sign that claimed to go "Back to the Ark" which Optimus didn't trust just yet, while the east way had a short chain of shops selling things like sunglasses, ice cream, and surfing supplies. Far to the North of the main road (past two fountains and a beautiful path through a patch of trees) were tennis courts, stocked with springy new tennis balls and giant rackets for the Autobots to use. He made a small sticker with his name and claimed a racket, noticing Ratchet and Prowl had already done the same.

To the east of the courts there were cabins to be rented. How they were to be rented, Optimus had no clue, as did a few of his other men; Jazz, Sideswipe, Sunstreaker, and Brawn had all called a cabin simply by scratching their names into the welcome signs hanging on the doors. The Prime sighed to himself and followed a bricked path south, which lead to a few more cabins which were all reserved "For the Minibots". The idea made Optimus smile, and he continued on his way.

Finding his path south blocked by buildings and Skyfire (who wouldn't move out of the only path Optimus could fit through, claiming his head hurt), Optimus Prime went east and found the beach. The Aerialbots were there, making themselves familiar with the fish and eating what looked like the resort's entire cache of ice cream. Following the beach south and east yet again found Optimus at The Marina Cantina, a small daiquiri stand and Seaspray-rental shop Seaspray and Sideswipe had set up within the span of a few hours. How they managed to do it, Prime didn't ask, only giving them his blessing and a warning not to give Skyfire any rides.

Optimus continued his circuit, walking south to find an infirmary where First Aid had taken a job along with, to Optimus' shock and delight, several dozen female Autobots. Optimus vaguely remembered asking in his daze if Elita one was somewhere nearby, and First Aid had said yes, and he was gone in an instant.

West there was a fountain, and north of that a disco which Jazz and Blaster had adopted. Going west again from there, Optimus found the main hotel and swimming pool, where Elita literally crashed into him in a frenzied search (for him, he found out later). His exploration ended fairly quickly after that, ending with the hurried acquiring of a hotel room and locking of a door behind them.

* * *

A quick map set-up for those of you NOT playing along at home.


	3. Episode 1, part 2: Being Nice is Hard

Autobot Autobot Summer Beach Resort

And now the walkt- I mean story starts... sorry, my crackfics are pretty much mixed with Comet and sugar.

Episode 1: Part 2 OR Optimus Prime lives a Day in the Life of Guybrush Threepwood, but without all the funny.

Optimus awoke to the sound of Firestar banging on his door with a closed fist. He rolled over in his bed, pulling the gargantuan blanket over his face and groaning deep in his chest.

"Optimus Prime!"

"I'm not ready to wake up yet, Firestar."

"It's 10:30, sir."

"I know."

"PM."

That made Optimus jump straight up in bed... only to see the sun shining through a crack in his curtains and Firestar's form in silouette through his frosted-glass sliding door.

And then she started banging on said frosted-glass sliding door again. "Optimus Prime? Sorry, sir, it was the only way to wake you up. We have a p-"

Optimus made a point to open the door quickly and violently to try and throw Firestar off. The female didn't bat an optic and proceeded to tell him that the pool was empty and the pipe was broken and nobody else would bother helping her fix it even though they needed to fix it because Bluestreak was having a hibachi party and blah blah blah blah blah-

"Firestar, hang on." Optimus cracked his spinal strut and straightened his back. "Why do you specifically need my help for this again?"

"Nobody else will, and I took the Pump House job in exchange for 47 deca-credits an hour so I could buy souvenirs."

"47 deca-credits an hour? Wow..." Optimus considered looking for a job if it was going to pay that well. He only got about 30 deca-credits an hour on a good day. "So you can't leave, then?"

"Not really, and I'm missing a wrench." Firestar clasped her hands together delicately. "Could you find Ratchet and convince him to lend me his?"

Optimus stretched again and and stepped into the sunlight. "I'll be ri-"

"Or Wheeljack, Wheeljack might have a wrench."

"Good point. I'll b-"

"Or Hoist, maybe."

"... I'll be right back."

"Thanks a lot, man- sir, sorry. I'll be in the pump house when you need me, 'kay?" Firestar didn't wait for Optimus to reply, instead sprinting back to the Pump House before she could get in trouble. Optimus stretched again, still reeling from his wonderful sleep, and set out. He might as well see what was wrong with the pool.

&&&

The pool was, indeed, empty. Sunstreaker protested that much as soon as Optimus Prime was in sight. "Damn it, I am NOT going swimming in salt water! Do you KNOW what that will do to my finish?"

"... no." Optimus smirked behind his mask. "No, I do not. What _will_ it do to your finish?"

"It- ... um..." Sunstreaker flailed a bit, hands clenching and unclenching. "It will... do... bad things, and then I won't be as pretty!"

"Oh, that's just awful." Optimus chortled, and Sunstreaker fumed in response. "Have you seen Ratchet anywhere?"

"The only person I've seen all day is Red Alert. He's been hiding behind my cabin."

Well, that threw Optimus for a loop. He didn't know which part to ask about first. "Um... why?"

"I don't know why!"

"Well... um... I'll go see if I can help Red Alert out from behind your cabin, okay?"

"Please do," Sunstreaker crossed his arms. "Just three days here, and the friggin' pool breaks."

"Before that, it was three perfect days of sunshine and play." Optimus chuckled once more. "Only you would complain in a place like this, Sunstreaker."

"Grrr..."

"I'll be back, don't worry."

Optimus left the Lamborghini to sulk, passing an impromptu conga line of Datsuns and Skids on his way to the cabins. Seeing that they were heading up the beach, he tagged onto the end and samba-ed his way to ocean, stopping when he saw a young Autobot resting on the sand that he hadn't seen before. Breaking from the conga line, he met the young one with a smile and a wave. "Hello, little one. Have we met?"

"Wheelie say, 'No way, Jose'!"

"You're supposed to play the rhyming game with Cybertronian words, not English," Optimus corrected the youth. "Are your parental units around?"

The little one shook his head. "Couldn't have known Wheelie's alone."

"That's a shame." Optimus' laser core went out to the little bot. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

Wheelie nodded. "Little Wheelie wants to eat! Bananas would be nice and sweet!"

Bananas? He was asking for human food? "That's an odd request."

"You offered, Mr. Prime! It's my banana time!" Wheelie licked his lips happily. "Get them here in decent shape, and Wheelie will give you some tape!"

"Um... okay..." Optimus, thoroughly confused, made his way to Sunstreaker's cabin once again. Strange day...

&&&

"What are you doing back here, Red Alert?"

"I_ like_ it here!" The little Lamborghini was busy arranging his paraphenalia as he liked, situating himself in a nest of datapads, umbrellas, and iced drinks. "It's very out of the way. The only way in and out of here is right where you're standing. And I have a nice shelter from the rain."

"It's not due to rain anytime soon, Red Alert." Optimus looked at the little patch of sky he could see from Red Alert's overgrown hidey-hole. It was pure blue. "Or, ever, depending on where we are."

"But you can never be too careful!" Red snapped indignantly.

"Riiiiight." Optimus sighed to himself. "Look, could you please move your hiding place somewhere else? You're annoying Sunstreaker."

Something that looked like abject terror flashed across Red Alert's face, quickly replaced by stubborn enthusiasm. "No way! Sunstreaker annoyed is one thing, but Ratchet annoyed is another entirely. Have you ever seen him, stalking around here in the middle of the night brandishing his wrench like Megatron's fusion cannon? NO, because if you did, you'd have a hiding place too! Nuh-uh, Sunstreaker's going to have to throw me out with his bare hands before he gets me out of here!"

Oh right, the wrench. Optimus felt another problem fall onto his shoulders, turning on his heel and making an uncertain path to Ratchet. His path took him to the beach, finding Cliffjumper there pacing in a frantic circle. The Minibot ran to Prime's feet as soon as he spotted him.

"You haven't seen Bumblebee, have you?"

"No, why?"

"Me and him have to practice our hula for the hibachi party." Cliffjumper wiggled his hips a bit for emphasis.

"Practicing? How long has Bluestreak been planning this?"

"Pit, I dunno. I think since we got here."

"... how have I not heard about this?"

"I dunno."

Optimus' chassis rumbled. "You're a wellspring of information. Why don't I tell him to come here if I do see him?"

"Ah, I'll just come with ya and spare you the middle step." Cliffjumper, with a mighty leap, latched his arms around Prime's head and clambered up his back, sitting comfortably on his shoulders.

"Did someone magnitize me in my sleep?" Optimus raked his hand over his mask impatiently. "Oy, vey..."

"Oh, hey, mind if we stop at that little cabana thing over there?" Cliffjumper motioned to a little shop in the distance. "Bumblebee and me need polish."

"Why not? I'm being everyone else's errand boy today."

&&&

Optimus Prime had watched Carly and Chip play games like Dungeons and Dragons. He had always wondered, "What do humans enjoy about those weird little games where all you do is fetch items for other people in the game?" There must have been something rewarding about it, some feeling of accomplishment in fulfilling a set goal that he just didn't understand.

The Prime reunited Bumblebee and Cliffjumper (Bumblebee had been just south of the Seaspray Rental Marina), and realized that he still had no clue what the humans saw in it.

"Thanks a bunch, Optimus Prime," Bumblebee chirped, quickly finishing up his... finish and handing Prime the leftover buffing cloth. "Here, you can use the rest. No sense in letting it go to waste, right?"

Well, maybe there was something in it. Prime sniffed the sweet-smelling cloth and sighed in appreciation. "That_ is _an expensive brand..."

"Yeah, it is." Cliffjumper pulled something blue out of his subspace. It was a glass ball, colored blue with cadmium, the Autobot equivalent of a chocolate truffle. "Here, a token of my appreciation too!"

"Oh my!" Optimus took the small glass ball and tucked it into his cab along with the polishing cloth. "That looks delicious."

"Hey, it's the least I could do, right?" Cliffjumper and Bumblebee each gave Optimus a quick hug and set off to practice. Prime, forgetting about his mission for just a moment, set off to walk up the beach and eat his cadmium glass in peace.

Or, he thought he would.

"Oy, Prime! Is that cadmium glass?"

"Hoist?" Prime felt his fingers clenching protectively over the cadmium glass in his hands as Hoist approached him in a full run. "Um... yes, it is."

"Oh, could I have it, please? I've been looking for a present for Grapple, and that will do marvelously! Please? I'll trade you for it!"

"Trade it?" Optimus put away the glass, producing a disappointed groan from Hoist. "For what?"

"Oh, any number of things!" Hoist counted off his inventory. "I've got rare Go-Bots figures mint in the package, I've got a special edition Space Ghost trading card, I've g-"

"Hoist, while I appreciate your... consideration? I suppose that's what I'll call it. I really have no use for toys."

Hoist cradled his chin in his hand and hummed in thought. "I have information, then!"

Optimus had to laugh. "Information? All right, Deep Throat, what have you got?"

"WELL," Hoist seemed terribly eager to talk. "I know that Sunstreaker keeps his good high-tension tennis racket under the fountains by the duck pond."

"We have a d- under the fountains?"

"Yes, the fountains aren't attached to anything underground! You can simply shove them about!" Hoist clapped his hands in joy. "Oh, and I know Moonracer is over by the entrance, and she has chewing gum!"

Human food again? Which reminded Optimus- "Know anyone that has bananas?"

"Hmm... no, but I know they grow on the islands past the beach." Hoist grabbed Optimus' shoulder and pointed him towards the marina. "Go rent Seaspray for an hour and head out. I know Grapple's out there somewhere cracking coconuts for the hibachi party, he should help you."

"For the- how did I go this long without knowing about the hibachi party?"

"I have no idea, old cha-"

"Heeeey."

"Em... middle-aged chap?"

"Close enough."

"What else?" Hoist hummed again, tenting his fingers and tapping them delicately. "I know Elita One is lost in the hedge maze."

"I was wondering where she went." Optimus retrieved the cadmium glass from his interior. "One more question, and you can have it."

Hoist's gears clenched in excitement. "Yes?!"

"Have you seen either Ratchet or Wheeljack?"

"Oh, yes! Wheeljack is on the tennis courts making a tennis ball launcher. Ratchet is... at the infirmary, I believe."

"Thank you."

&&&

Amazingly, Optimus Prime made it all the way to Ratchet before he remembered that he should have asked if Hoist had a wrench. And now he had no cadmium glass, having traded it to Hoist for all of that useless information and scotch tape.

"Slag it all to the Pit and back..." Optimus groaned to himself before waking the sleeping Ratchet. "Ratchet, why are you asleep outside of an ice cream shop?"

"Huh?" Ratchet growled and shook his head, water dripping out of his joints with every subtle movement. "How... this isn't my room."

"No it's not, Ratchet." Curious, Optimus pressed his hand against Ratchet's shoulder; even more water seeped out. It was fresh water, too, not salty like the ocean water. "Where have you been?"

Still half-asleep, Ratchet grumbled out "TheNem's's..."

"The Nemesis?"

"Yuh huh." Ratchet swung his wrist about, fingers clenched like he was holding something. "I fo- fought St'rscream off, he was... gonna eat the Dinobots."

"You don't say."

"Yep." Ratchet yawned again. "Not lettin' 'em eat mah babies."

"That's very considerate of you."

"Yep, left my wrench jammed in that slagger's eye, I did."

The wrench! Okay, from what he could tell, Ratchet had been sleepwalking and had left his wrench somewhere with freshwater. He needed to find this duck pond, apparently. Other than the fountains, it was the only freshwater source Optimus Prime knew of (other than the pool, and if the wrench was in the pool, Firestar would have it by now). Congratulating himself on his good deductive reasoning, Optimus gave Ratchet a good pat on the back. "Thank you so much, old friend. You have no idea how much this helped."

"No probl'm," Ratchet murmured, standing up and squeezing more water out of his fingers. "Better go back to m' room now. Gotta get ready for the hibachi party..."

Ratchet left, and Optimus Prime made a mental note to not sleep as much on vacations. He made another quick note to himself as well.

He needed to rent Seaspray.

&&&

"Welcome to The Marina Cantina, home of the Mercury Daiquiri." Sideswipe left his station behind the counter and greeted Optimus with a salesman-ly hug. "Good to see you, Prime. How's things?"

"Pretty good, Sideswipe. I need to take Seaspray out to the islands, if you don't mind." Optimus glanced about the small cantina. "Where _is_ Seaspray, anyhow?"

"He's on the comm with Wheeljack." Sideswipe leaned in close. "Wheeljack's testing his tennis ball launcher, and he wants to borrow Seaspray's racket, but Wheeljack's already broken, like, five."

"Hm... Sideswipe, hold your ears."

"Um..." Sideswipe did so, confused. "Okay?"

**"SEASPRAY!"**

The marina rumbled with Optimus' voice, sending Sideswipe reeling backward.

Somewhere out of sight, Seaspray replied, "What?"

**"ASK WHEELJACK IF HE HAS A WRENCH!"**

Silence... and then "No, but he's got a hammer."

**"NEVERMIND, THEN. THANK YOU."**

"Welcome!"

"Sorry about that," Prime stated in his... normal(?) tone. "I don't get to use The Big Voice often."

"Um, yeah..." Sideswipe uncovered his ears slowly, frame shaking. "J-just... take Seaspray wherever you want, free of charge. I need a daiquiri..."

&&&

Oddly enough, Seaspray didn't know where the duck pond was, either. He did know the way to the fountains, though, where he and Optimus spent a good 20 minutes pushing them around for fun. After their quick break, they both figured they'd ask around, eventually making their way up and west all the way through the resort to the tennis courts. Wheeljack immediately took Sunstreaker's racket from Prime, giving him his good hammer "as a deposit" for his tennis ball launcher. Dejected, the two of them headed South and found Elita One throwing washers into a fountain and making wishes. Thank Primus almighty, Elita One DID know where the duck pond was, leading the two bots directly to it. (It was south of the parking lot, a rather nondescript area the Dinobots used for Frisbee golf and The Break-A-Tree Game.) Optimus left Elita One to feed the tiny ducks, crossing the pond to find, finally, the elusive wrench.

Optimus and Seaspray both sprinted back to the Pump House, where Firestar immediately bolted inside and turned the water on...

"Well, damn." Firestar kicked the leaking pipe. "It's got holes all in it."

Seaspray gurgled, "Anybody got any solder?"

"I've got a hammer," Optimus uselessly contributed. The admission made Firestar snort.

"Well, if _I _had a hammer, I'd hammer in the mornin'."

Optimus chuckled. "I'd hammer in the evenin', all over this land."

"All over this land," belted out Seaspray, making all three of the Autobots laugh out loud. Optimus sorted through his inner compartments, pulling out anything he could find that might help the situation.

"Well, I have this scotch tape Hoist gave me... and a polishing cloth."

"Oo, hang on." Firestar took the two items, affixing them to some of the small cracks and leaks on the pipe. "Hmm... anything else?"

"Well, I know someone else who had tape, but he'll only give it to me if I give him bananas."

It was quiet for a while.

"I don't understand it either."

"Hmm..." Firestar mulled over the pipe for a bit longer. "... maybe some rubber cement..."

"Moonracer has chewing gum." Optimus received more silence and weird looks. "I've been around a lot today."

"That... might work..."

Seaspray cracked his knuckles. "Let's go sailin', Prime."

&&&

Grapple wouldn't look up from his pile of broken coconuts. He looked unspeakably frustrated, gnashing his teeth and furrowing his brow as he worked over the tiny brown fruits. "Sorry, can't talk right now, bu-" The coconut crushed under his fingers. "Slag it!"

"You're not supposed to eat brown coconuts," said Seaspray. "It's the green ones that are safe to eat. Brown ones are too old."

"Either way, I don't have a way to open them without smashing them into pieces!"

Optimus whipped out his- Wheeljack's- hammer, and with a delicate pop, the brown coconut split clean in two. "We need bananas."

"To the west, in a bundle of trees." Grapple happily set to work splitting apart coconut after coconut.

&&&

They got their hand of bananas to Wheelie, who gave them a roll of duck tape, and finally found Moonracer by the parking lot, who gave them gum. Another quick dash to the Pump House found the pool aaaalmost full. All they needed to patch was one tiny hole to keep the Pump House from filling with water and getting moldy. Prime was about to suggest more chewing gum when his comm was suddenly flooded with distress signals; Decepticons, and they had landed near the hotel.

Optimus Prime was there in seconds, his men all standing with guns trained on the ugly bunch. The Decepticons made no move to attack, however, simply stood... well, wobbled there, drunk off their afts and looking generally amiable. Everyone except Soundwave, at any rate, who looked as if he was about to toss his chips.

"Prime..." Megatron growled... then hiccuped. "Prime... Priiiim-"

"Damn it, Megatron, stop arsin' around." Starscream pushed Megatron aside with a playful shove. "We j- we just came over from the other side of th' ocean, an' we ate all the free food, and drank all the free energon, and now w're all drunk as the Pit."

"I can... see that." Optimus Prime nervously squeezed the handle of his gun. "So, you're here on friendly terms."

"Yeah, we ne- (HICCUP) 'xcuse me."

"Prriiiii-"

"Shuuut up, Megatron, sheez!" Starscream huffed. "We need hangover medication code."

"... I'll be right back."

Prime (towing Seaspray after him out of habit) drove to the infirmary and back with enough first aid kits to treat an army (which is the amount he needed), and soon the Decepticons were back in fully working order. Why Prime had spontaneously decided it was a good idea to help the Decepticons, no one really knew. Prime guessed later that it was because he'd spent all day being a good Samaritan, and he hadn't quite gotten out of the habit yet. Either way the Decepticons, too full of energon and good food and general good cheer to consider anything violent, instead asked one simple question:

"So, are we invited to the hibachi party?"

To which Prime responded, "**WHY WAS I THE ONLY ONE THAT DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS?!**"

* * *

I know, I know I'm weird. I'll throw in some extra crack in a bit, hopefully that'll make up for it.


	4. Episode 1, part end: A Musical Number

Transformer Transformer Summer Beach Resort

There, now that Decepticons are officially in the picture, it's time for the actual name change.

... yeah, it's a songfic chapter, shut up.

Episode 1, part 3: The Obligatory Musical Number

The party was magnificent. It started awkward, as all parties with the threat of impending death do, but once the humans arrived, the ice broke with a bang. (Or, rather, with a splash; Motormaster belly-flopped into the pool.) Bluestreak and Dirge briefly argued over the hibachi grill, eventually agreeing to each share a side and not cross over into the other's territory. Mixmaster tried to put himself on drink duty, only to be firmly denied any access to the energon whatsoever by both factions. Swoop served the drinks instead. Megatron actually got the nerve to start a game of Marco Polo and played without shooting anyone, not even once! Sure, Fish Out of Water got turned into Throw the Traitor in the Smelter due to a translation error, but the Decepticons thought it was funny, so it stuck. Besides, it was really fun to gang up on the Fi- the Traitors and bodily toss them into the pool.

And then, there was the hula.

* * *

**&&&

* * *

**

**Perceptor played a quick scale on his steel drums for bustin' out a hot jam, Blaster and Soundwave layin' down rhythm and lead guitar tracks. Brawn stepped up to the head of the pool (in a grass skirt, no less), the best place for a "stage" he could find. He twisted his hips in a very vague impression of a hula, keeping in decent time with the beat.**

_Brawn: Even when I'm weary, and I just can't carry on,_

_And the world is like an endless debt for me to pay._

**Cliffjumper- also in a grass skirt- joined Brawn, bumping him out of the way with his own swinging hips.**

_Brawn and Cliffjumper: Even when the neon seems to shine more than the sun,_

_And the secret place I live in feels so far away._

**Two became eleven, all of the Minibots forming a impromptu hula line. Out of all of them, Bumblebee kept the best time and knew the steps the best (although his skirt was made of Easter grass). Windcharger looked like he was lip-syncing, just barely matching the moves of the other Minibots.**

_Minibots: Still I've got a ticket for a magic holiday,_

_And it's always booked and ready, come what may!_

**Snarl leaned in behind the tiny bunch.**

_Snarl: Woah-oah._

**The Autobots and Decepticons joined in for the chorus, raising their drinks in appreciation.**

_All: Sweet vacation!_

**Ratchet patted Sparkplug's back affectionately.**

_All: Recreation._

**Scrapper nudged his way under the limbo stick, using his scoop as a balance. He made it, and stood up just soon enough to catch said scoop on the bar, throwing it into the pool.**

_All: Destination home._

_Brawn: My friends can take me!_

_All: Sweet vacation._

**Raoul and Tracks softly clinked their drinks together.**

_All: Recreation._

**Runabout and Runamuck began a fast jitterbug, Runamuck getting too excited and throwing Runabout into Ironhide's back.**

_All: Destination home!_

_Brawn: My friends can take me home..._

**As Kup stepped in for his saxophone solo, Sideswipe tossed a beach ball into the crowd. What followed was an impromptu dodge ball match, any and all catchers quickly chucking the ball at the head of anyone they didn't like. Grimlock accidentally caught the ball in his dinosaur arms; unable to throw it anywhere but his feet, he dropped it on Omega Supreme's foot. Elsewhere it the throng, the Insecticons and Blurr were having an eating contest, which they were somehow losing to Chromia. **

**Somehow, on cue, Silverbolt and Starscream managed to hook arms and pick up the bridge.**

_Silverbolt and Starscream: Still I've got a ticket for a magic holiday_

_And it's always booked and ready, come what may!_

**Two Lamborghini's toasted at the edge of the party. **

_Breakdown and Red Alert: Woah-oah!_

**Fireworks lit up the sky.**

_All: Sweet vacation!_

**Grapple and the Constructicons all bunched up together and jumped for joy.**

_All: Recreation!_

**Octane raised his glass for another mercury daiquiri, which Swoop innocently spilled over his head.**

_All: Destination home!_

**Octane gave swoop a friendly smack on the back.**

_Octane: My friends can take me!_

_All: Sweet vacation!_

**Hot Rod, in a fit of giddiness, threw himself over the collective laps of Springer, Arcee, Kup, and Hardhead.**

_All: Recreation!_

**Over at the steel drums, Perceptor was improvising so the both the armies' Cassettes could conga to a faster beat.**

_All: Destination home!_

**Hot Rod pumped a fist into the air.**

_Hot Rod, Springer, Arcee: My friends can take me!_

_All: Sweet vacation!_

**Cosmos dove into the pool, clambering on top of a giggling Astrotrain.**

_All: Recreation!_

**Swindle pulled Sideswipe into a low dip, both of them laughing without restraint.**

_All: Destination home!_

**With a quick nod to each other, Optimus and Megatron smiled.**

_Optimus and Megatron: My friends can take me-_

**One last flurry of fireworks lit up the night, and all of the Transformers called out to the sky.**

_All: Hoooooooome!_

_YEAH!

* * *

_

&&&

* * *

After three more days, the continental breakfast didn't refill on its own, the tennis rackets stopped replacing themselves, and the fountains all turned themselves off. Their vacation was up. The Autobots forlornly packed up whatever they could take from the place, gathering the remaining free food and buying whatever souvenirs they could with the money they had from their voluntary jobs. The Decepticons said their goodbyes with promises not to do anything "disruptive" for as long as their tanks were full (which, by the bright purple glow of their subspace, looked to be a long time).

Once back at the Ark, the Autobots found that they had, indeed, been gone for about a week. A family of rabbits had moved into Huffer's room while they were gone. ("Yeah," Huffer said, "While we were gone. Right.") Everything was rather dusty, but intact. The crew recorded their stay at the strange place and bombarded Skids with the same question: "When can we go back?"

Skids only shrugged. "I dunno. Next time they say we can, I suppose. Now, if you'll excuse me, Mr. Tumnus is going to want to know how my trip was."

* * *

Part 2 will happen, and it'll be MOVIEVERSE, so, Michael Bay fans, start your engines!

That song, btw, was "Sweet Vacation" from the Jim Henson Hour. I love that friggin' song. Look it up on Youtube, it's adorable.


	5. Episode 2, part 1: Into the Movieverse

Transformer Transformer Summer Beach Resort

Hi there. Um, quick word of warning, I've never actually seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, I just needed characters to pad out the fic. If you find your head spinning from the flagrant disregard to continuity, I suggest the second-to-last two lines from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 song.

* * *

Episode 2: An Altruist and his Rewards are Soon Parted

Miles was a good guy, you had to give him credit for that. He even took the discovery of the Autobots in stride, quickly making friends with Skids and Mudflap and not asking any questions that Sam couldn't immediately answer or defer to Ratchet. But Miles was weird. He wasn't weird in the way Leo was weird; Miles was a more laid-back, mind-always-on-unrelated-topics kind of weird.

Which made it all the more weird when Miles suddenly broke into Sam's room, grabbed Sam and Mikaela by the shirt collars, and started raving about how he'd found paradise and you had to get there by driving through a tunnel like Toontown.

Sam tried valiantly to maintain contact with the floor and not lose his favorite shirt. "Miles, we had this discussion when we were, like, 8, remember? Toontown doesn't really exist, and if it did, it's around Hollywood, not h-"

"But it's not Toontown, you get there like you GET to Toontown! And there's free ice cream! For us and the Autobots!"

"How c- Autobots don't eat ice cream, M- Miles?"

Miles took a flying leap over the bed and out Sam's window, shimmying down the wall to jump into Bumblebee's garage. Sam stumbled back and forth, mind weighing the options of jumping out the window like Miles or just taking the stairs. Luckily, Mikaela had kept her sanity and directed Sam towards the stairs.

&&&

It was a decently long drive. Mikaela had used the "get in the car" speech and gotten Sam to hop in Bumblebee and go to where Miles was pointing them. They did indeed have to drive through a tunnel that hadn't existed before today, which freaked Mikaela and Sam out but only mildly confused Bumblebee. The tunnel was long and dark, with only a tiny pinprick at the other side which stayed the same size for 5 minutes before suddenly passing over their heads in a flash.


	6. Episode 2, part 2: People are Weird

Transformers Transformers Summer Beach Resort

Man, the walkthrough bits are long. I extend my appreciation and amazement at the people who post walkthroughs on Gamespot and websites like that, because MAN, these are hard.

* * *

Sam awoke to another lovely day at the beach resort. He glanced about his hotel room, noticing that someone had come in the night and cleaned for him, leaving him with a fresh bathrobe, towels, and a box of Junior Mints. He slipped out of bed and stepped out into the hallway in nothing but his boxer shorts and Happy Kat wife-beater tee. Today, he thought to himself, is going to be a very good day.

It was day three of his strange impromptu vacation; he'd already gotten a nice tan, lost a lot of the muscle he'd gained since he'd met Bumblebee, and burned the bottom of his feet from walking around on hot concrete all day with no shoes. Still, he had all the free food he could eat, sun, an ocean, Mikaela, and an Xbox 360 in every room, so he couldn't complain.

Not to mention all the Autobots had beaten them there. Apparently, this whatever-place had been designed with Autobot/human cohabitation in mind and had placed every human-sized room by a garage for their Autobot friend of choice, which left Sam in comfortable proximity to Bumblebee (i.e. Right across the hall of his hotel).

Speak of the devil, Bumblebee was just waking up. Stepping out of his garage and stretching, Bee gave Sam a quick chirp of acknowledgment.

"Mornin', Bee!" Sam cracked his knuckles. "What are we gonna do today? We've got- we've got anything, man, anything you wanna do, we can do it. Just say the word."

Bumblebee thought for a moment. "... I want to play tennis."

"... tennis?" Sam stuttered for a bit in disbelief. "We've got a whole beach resort to basically ourselves to do whatever we want, and you wanna play _tennis_?"

"I was thinking about yesterday, and it occurred to me that if we exercised on this vacation, we would have more room in our storage tanks for sustenance."

"Sus- OH, you wanna work out so we can go pig out at the hot dog stand, don't you?"

Bumblebee made a quick affirmative sound, playing a radio clip of a man announcing "You are the winner!"

"Genius. I live with a genius Autobot, I really do."

Bee ducked his head in embarrassment, making a big show out of acting flustered. Sam continued to praise his best robo-friend's processing power as they made their way down the hall, waving hello to Jetfire at the front desk. (How Jetfire was there, much less working the front desk, Sam decided not to worry about.)

At the front door to the hotel, the two friends met a strange sight; Reggie Simmons trying to move a small mountain's worth of boxes (most of them marked with summer essentials like "sunglasses", "Coppertone", and "Bikini Bottoms").

"Um... what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to do my job as the bellhop, thank you very much."

Job? "Wait, you showed up at magic vacation place and got a job?"

Simmons turned on his heel, showing that he also had a very pronounced tan with the sunglass-shadow to match. "Not just any job! A job that pays $30 an hour!"

Bee and Sam both went "WOAH!" as Bee's radio wolf-whistled.

"It wouldn't be that hard if I had my luggage cart! It's got some robot-from-outer-space technology so I can move all these boxes myself. But I left it in one of the rooms."

Sam "hmm"ed sympathetically. "Why not go get it?"

"Because Jetfire wants my bottoms."

A side glance to Jetfire saw the mech grinning, half lecherously, half jokingly, bringing his hands together to "pull" on an imaginary pair of bikini bottoms.

"Um... I think I can go find you the luggage cart. Come on, Bee, you've gotta knock on the big doors for me."

"Right."

&&&

It was, of course, pretty much the last door they knocked on. Simmons did move the boxes, though, letting the two out into the salty air. Along their (very slow) walk to the tennis courts they saw Srgt. Epps fretting over his lost wallet. After delivering an empty promise to keep an eye out for it, they continued. Thinking they were done with awkward encounters for the day, they resumed their slow place in the grove, hoping to go for a quick penny dive in the fountain.

What they found was Maggie's friend Glenn in a banana hammock and a blond wig.

Sam immediately covered his eyes with a loud "OH GOD!"

"As new as I am to the concept of human beauty, Glenn, I... believe your current wardrobe is not a wise choice. May I make a suggestion?"

"What? You think the wig's not workin'?" Glenn ripped the plastic hair off his head and threw it at the ground. "MAN, I knew it wouldn't work!"

"I agree, you are much to corpulent for that style of swimwear-"

"Not the bikini, man, the wig!" Glenn panicked and threw the wig back on his head. "It's to disguise me from the little RC car!"

Sam uncovered his eyes slowly. "Wheelie?"

"Yeah, Wheelie! He's in league with the big one, man! They're tryin' to steal my swimsuit!" Glenn looked very proud of himself in figuring this out. "Well, I saw this special! On the Discovery Channel, with that guy from Fawlty Towers, and he said that computer's can't recognize you if you in drag!"

"Wait, I saw that same show," Sam mentioned, "I think the computer found in with the drag."

"... WHAT?"

"Yeah!" Sam hushed Bee with a quick motion before he could speak. "He had to wrap himself up in all sorts of, like, coats and wear sunglasses and stuff before the computer didn't recognize him."

"AW, CRAP, I NEED A MUSTACHE!"

"Uh, yeah, we'll- we'll work on that, come on, Bee, let's go..."

&&&

"It's a what?"

"It appears to be a broken tennis-ball cannon." Only Optimus Prime could say that with enough gravitas to make it not sound ridiculous. "It's marked with the insignia of an inventor named 'Wheeljack'."

Sam leaned back on Bee's leg in defeat. "And it's broken?"

"And on a rampage." Optimus looked back at the vaguely-humanoid form launcing tennis balls all over the court. "I'm afraid I will not let you in while it is malfunctioning. If it were to harm anyone here..."

"I understand, sir, but-" Bumblebee rubbed his hands and lowered himself a little out of respect. "Maybe we could fix it?"

"The only mech here who could take impacts at that power and frequency is Ironhide, and I have no idea where he is."

"Maybe we can find him, sir."

"Bumblebee, no-"

"I accept your proposal. Tell him to meet us here."

&&&

"I'm sorry, Sam," Bumblebee murmured. "I'm an Autobot, being helpful is in my programming."

"It- look, I don't blame you or anything, it's just- first tennis, then Glenn in a bikini, and now this?" Sam raked his hand over his face. "This is gonna be a long day."

"We are in the community cabins; maybe we should play a 'prank' on someone?"

Sam gasped and grabbed Bumblebee's ankle. "DUDE, we should totally go TP Simmons' cabin!"

"TP?"

"Throw toilet paper all over it."

"... ew."

"Not USED toilet paper! Come on!"

They peeked in the doors of the cabins until they found Simmons (only then noticing that the current occupants had written their names on the signs outside). Sam emptied the contents of the bathroom out into Simmons room while Bee stood guard, and he eventually returned with what looked like a large caterpillar with a piercing.

"BEE! Check it out!" Sam held up the furry little thing. "Simmons TOTALLY had a fake mustache in his room!"

"... why did you take it?"

"Because Glenn needs it. Come on, let's go bring it to him, he's totally gonna flip."

&&&

Glenn totally did flip and gave them the wig in exchange. Happy that, although it was weirder than weird, they had filled someone's request, the two decided to walk the beach in search of Ironhide. Instead, they found Ratchet, who was griping about how bright the sun was. Thanks to Bee's motormouth ("It was better when you didn't talk!" "I'm growing away of that, Sam."), they had been roped into buying the guy a jumbo pair of sunglasses.

Traipsing the rest of the beach found them face-to-face with Mudflap.

"Dae-yam, B', yo boy lookin' good!" Mudflap patted Sam on the head. "Man, wish I had me a boy, all da cool oness got boyss, man."

"A boy?!"

"He just means a human companion, Sam."

"'Human companion' sounds worse!"

Mudflap had left to play in the ocean, and Bee and Sam continued down the beach slightly confused. Skids was not far away, sitting curled up under a beach umbrella and pouting.

"Hey, Skids. What's wrong?"

Skids twitched his "ears" petulantly. "Mudflap sto'e my lunch."

"So?" Sam waved his hand in the resort's general direction. "Go get more. It's all free."

"But dat was MY lunch! Here-" Skids threw something astoundingly human at the two; Bumblebee caught it with a panicked yelp. "Give im' this, and tell 'im to gimme back my lunch!"

"What the-" Sam, with a strength he didn't know he had, climbed up Bumblebee's back to perch on his shoulders. "Is that a Realdoll?!"

"Yeah, I bought it to get inna da carpool lane!"

"W- YOU BOUGHT A REALDOLL AND DIDN'T TELL M- WHUP!"

Bumblebee has already turned, holding the synthetic human in his hands like a human would carry a baby bird. Sam valiantly kept his grip and growled into Bee's ear.

"Bee, gimme that, right now."

"It's for Mudflap."

"Mudflap doesn't need a RealDoll, I NEED A REALDOLL, gimme it!"

"No! You are capable of masturbating without it."

"Well, yeah, I'm capable, but it's a freakin' RealDoll! What's Mudflap gonna do with it?!"

"Whatever he wants."

"Oh ew, Bee, BEE, NO!"

The RealDoll was deposited straight into Mudflap's eager hands, and he immediately cuddled it to his face and cooed at it. Bumblebee grinned at his little human friend. "Isn't it cute?"

"Not cute enough for me not to be mad."

&&&

Bumblebee felt horrible once they gave Skid's lunch back and got a Pecan Log in exchange. In exchange for Sam's obvious anger, Bee rented out a boat for him and Sam to go riding in. Out on the waves, Sam's anger dissipated a bit, eventually fading away once the two spotted Miles on a sandbar. Miles directed them to a few more sandbars up north and, oddly enough, Epps wallet to the west. The two perused the island for about half an hour, finding a perfectly-dried starfish and Wheelie, who said he wanted a scary mask so he could bother Glenn.

And, of all things, they found an island teaming with crabs. At one point, Sam accidentally tripped over a crab.

Sam was immediately transported to the tree grove back at the resort. Bumblebee was nowhere to be seen.

After sitting in the fetal position for a few minutes, Bumblebee showed up saying that he had stepped on a crab and been transported to a hedge maze by the nurse's office. One reunion hug later, they returned Epps wallet and got $10 for their trouble. Sam was very happy until Bee reminded him that Ratchet needed sunglasses, which just happened to cost $10...

&&&

"How have you all survived this long being this... nice?" Sam finally asked as Bumblebee carried the human to the nearest snow cone stand to drown his rage in cherry syrup and shaved ice. "He gave us a skeleton key. What is this, Scooby Doo?"

"Most races are much more suited to altruism than others. You must admit, Ratchet was very happy. And so was Srgt. Epps."

"Yeah, yeah, I know... I want that frikkin' RealDoll, man."

"I'll see if I can't get it back from Mudflap once he's bored of it."

"Aw... thanks, Bee."

The two passed by a camp of cabana shops when Sam noticed something strange. Asking Bee to put him down, Sam approached the odd sight: a cabana shop bearing the sign "Will trade rare Brak card for starfish".

So, he did. Bee scratched his head lightly, confused. "Why did you do that, Sam?"

&&&

Turns out, Miles was a HUGE fan of Space Ghost: Coast to Coast, and gave Sam a Space Ghost trading card for Brak. Sam and Bee hightailed it back to the trading post, making a long series of totally nonsensical trades until they acquired a mask for Wheelie. Having nothing better to do (other than find Ironhide, they remembered later), they brought Wheelie to Glenn. Wheelie thanked them with a packet full of ketchup he'd stolen from a Burger King a few days ago.

As with the rest of the things they'd collected today, it seemed somebody needed that packet of ketchup.

"Hey, Sam."

"Hey, Mikaela." Sam gave Mikaela a quick hug, which she protested with "Stop, don't! I'm all covered in grease!"

"I like you when you're covered in grease," Sam purred with a goofy grin. Mikaela laughed and caught herself before she touched her face.

"It's food grease. One of the food stands was making home fries. Oh, Sam, is that ketchup?" Mikaela asked as she spotted the corner of the packet in Sam's shirt pocket. "Can I have it? For my fries? Please? I'll give you my cheeseburger."

Bumblebee knelt down to eye level with Mikaela. "I can has cheezburger?"

"Sure thing, babe, anything for you." Sam handed over the ketchup. Mikaela surrendered the burger and gave Sam a quick kiss tasting of salt and potatoes.

"See, Sam, altruism does pay off."

"Shut up."

&&&

The day just kept getting weirder. Bumblebee pushed a fountain by the duck pond and found an octopus underneath. Sam found Arcee in the flower maze, who asked for a pet rock (which, oddly enough, Bumblebee had found in the parking lot a few days earlier), gave them a flower which Sam gave to Maggie Madsen in a fit of kindness. She repaid their kindness with a tambourine, and the humans spent a few minutes reminiscing about Josie and the Pussycats. Knowing that they'd find someone who wanted that tambourine, Sam and Bee looked around until they found Leo, who did indeed want said tambourine and gave them a pineapple for their trouble.

And they STILL hadn't found Ironhide.

"I don't get it, we've looked everywhere!" Sam groused as the waves lapped at his feet. "Where else do we have to look?"

Bumblebee gulped. "We did not further explore that island with the crabs."

&&&

"Ew ew ew ew ew ew..." Sam found that if the crabs touched him, he didn't teleport. That meant that he had to remain perfectly still as the little demons scuttled around his feet, nipping at the hem of his pants leg. "Ew ew ew ew ew..."

Bee, to was too big to navigate the little island with teleporting, cheered from the ocean. "Don't worry, Sam! You're doing fine!"

And he was, truthfully. There was a smalled, walled-off area at the "back" of the island, sealed in the middle with a large door.

A large door with an old-timey key hole.

Sam finally reached the door and unlocked it, muttering to himself about how this whole thing had been set up.

Ironhide leaped from within the walls and blasted every crab in sight, scooping up Bumblebee and Sam and practically running on the water to get back to shore.

&&&

"- and how was I supposed to know there was a crab in the sand? And I supposed to keep my organic detection sensors on all the time? My processor would crash!"

"Ironhide-"

"- indignity of getting rescued by The Boy. I don't care if he killed Megatron, it's still-"

"Ironhide."

"- Megatron, and I got stuck beca-"

"Ironhide."

The weapons specialist finally stopped talking. "What?"

"We need your help." Optimus lead Ironhide into the tennis courts, ducking behind the mech as the tennis robot pummeled the two with tennis ball after tennis ball. "We need you to shut the thing off!"

"What is it?"

"A tennis ball launcher!" Bumblebee called from behind Optimus, doing his best to shield Sam from ricocheted balls. "Built by a mech named Wheeljack!"

"I've heard of Wheeljack!" Having a feeling he wasn't quite talking about the same Wheeljack he knew, but figuring he was close enough, Ironhide continued with "He makes bots that are nearly indestructible! How am I supposed to shut it off?"

And Sam had a wonderful, wonderful idea. "PLUG UP IT'S CANNONS!"

Ironhide thought for a moment, tennis balls bouncing off his plating as if it were nothing, and shouted, "With what?!"

Sam emptied his and Bee's pockets; an octopus, a wig, a cheeseburger, a nut log, and one measly pineapple later, the renegade tennis bot exploded in a gentle shower of fresh tennis balls, comically pinging off of the bots' armor and sounding like a xylophone recital.

Bee looked back at Sam once the shower stopped. "Would you still like to play tennis?"

Sam hit Bumblebee in the face with the boat.

* * *

Hope I didn't mangle anybody's character too bad. One little songfic chapter, and then the Animated crew!


	7. Episode 2, part 3: Out with a Bonk

Transformer Transformer Summer Resort

The songfic chapter, because somebody somewhere out there likes these things, I know it.

It was the last day of their long vacation, they could all tell. The way the sky clouded over, the food stopped being plentiful, and the rooms stopped cleaning themselves. The Autobots and their humans gathered on the beach to enjoy their last sunset, staring out into the sky and watching the volcano smoke and churn.

"... you know what we need?" Maggie mused.

"Another week?" Ratchet guessed with a smirk.

"That would be nice, yes. No, we need to throw a beach party."

"I like that idea!" Leo cheerfully shouted. "We could get the last of the food together, have a bonfire, do, like... limbo contests, and like... conga lines."

"Conga lines? What is this, a Looney Tune?" Sam snapped his fingers. "But DUDE, limbo contest! Awesome!"

The Autobots all mused on the word "limbo", searching the internet and finding a definition that matched the situation.

"We find this 'limbo' thing appealing," Ratchet finally announced. "How do we start?"

&&&

"**Okay, just- okay? Okay, we're ready!" Sam motioned to the oversized limbo stick. "Optimus, you go first!" **

**Maggie turned on the radio to signal the beginning of the contest.**

_Every limbo boy and girl_

_All aroundt the limbo world_

**Optimus inspected the pole, which only up to his shoulders. "And the point is to go underneath?" **

_Gonna do the limbo rock_

"**Yeah, yeah, go!"**

**Mikaela whistled. "Come on, Optimus!"**  
_All around the limbo clock._  
_Jack be limbo, Jack be quick,_

**Optimus, shrugged, transformed and drove under the bar. **  
_Jack go unda limbo stick!_

"**NO, no, Optimus, no..." Sam rubbed his temples in frustration. "Somebody do this right! Mr. Lennox? Help?"**  
_All around the limbo clock.  
Hey, let's do the limbo rock!_

**Will limboed under the stick like a pro, face stating that he was a bit too proud of his abilities. He paused just as his nose passed the bars. "Whatcha think, ladies?" **

_Limbo lower now!_

"**Not bad, sir!" Maggie yelled from her perch at one of the many daiquiri stands, not even bothering to look. **

_Limbo lower now!_

"**I know! It's genetic!" **

**Leo snorted. "That means your daughter will be just as good, huh?" **

_How low can you go?_

**The resulting flail sent the stick soaring straight into Simmon's head. **

_First you spread your limbo feet,_

_Then you move to limbo beat._

"**Hold y'all, I think we can do this!" Skids grabbed his brother and pulled him into his back. "Yo, dawg, lean back."**

"**Aw, hey-ell, no, you lean back!" **

_Limbo ankle, limbo knee,  
Bend back like a limbo tree._

**Skids whipped his arm back and pelted Mudflap right in the gut. "We ain't doin' that, bro, just lean back like I tol' you fo' a whup ya aft!"**

_Jack be limbo, Jack be quick,  
Jack go unda limbo stick!_

**Skids and Mudflap finally got together enough to lean in sync, limboing under the bar in tandem. Jetfire hooted and whistled his appreciation, earning him a fast reprimand from Optimus. "Jetfire, please. You have embarrassed enough of our companions already." **  
_All around the limbo clock.  
Hey, let's do the limbo rock!_

**As the radio "lalala"ed itself out of another verse, Bumblebee had a sudden flash of inspiration. He bolted out of sight. **

"**Uh... Bee?" Sam batted sand out of his swim shorts. "Where'd he go?" **

**Mikaela shrugged. "Maybe he forgot something in his room." **

"**Man, we've got a beach party going on, and he le-" **

**There was only a few seconds of thundering footsteps before Bee slammed onto his knee, powersliding into and over the limbo bar. The entire beach flinched in sympathy as Bumblebee whimpered in pain. **

"**Ouch, man," Miles stated. "Rug burn." **

"**No way, man, sand burn," Glenn corrected. **

_Get yourself a limbo girl!_

"**I am not doing it," Maggie stated bluntly. "I am NOT doing it."**  
_Give that chick a limbo whirl!_

**Ironhide pushed her forward with his fingertip into the limbo bar. "Just get yourself out and stop whining, female. It's my turn." **  
_There's a limbo moon above._

**Ironhide laughed his way under the limbo stick, purposefully wiggling his hips just as he had seen Will do. "This is a custom I could get used to!" **  
_You will fall in limbo love!_

**Wheelie simply walked under the humans' limbo bar, spouting a roar of "NO FAIR"s from every direction.**  
_Jack be limbo, Jack be quick,  
Jack go unda limbo stick._

"**Ow ow ow ow..." **

**Ratchet placed his hands on Jetfire's back, trying to steady the old bot. "See why I said this was a bad idea?" **

"**Shut up, whipper snapper, I'm winning," Jetfire groused. **

**Ratchet kept needling him for the rest of the party, simply because it felt good to be called "young" in any form.**  
_All around the limbo clock._

**Arcee literally appeared out of nowhere (she simply appeared in a burst of... nothing), explaining that she had tripped over a crab and found herself here. Spying the limbo bar, she flattened herself against the sand and slipped under without so much as ghosting the limbo bar. **  
_Hey, let's do the limbo rock!_

_Don't move that limbo bar!_

"**Okay, that was stupid," Sam admitted. **

**Bee nodded, "Yes, it was." **

_You'll be a limbo star!_

"**But what's life if you can't be stupid with your friends, huh?" **

"**Very boring?"**

"**Precisely. Thanks, man." **

_How low can you go?_

"**Your welcome, Sam. Now, can you help me? I seem to have a conch shell stuck in my knee..."**

&&&

The next stay, they left, ready to resume their lives once more. Miles spent most of his day giving long, nearly nonsensical directions back to everyone else's houses. (Maggie, for example, had to go under the Sydney Opera House.) Sam stuffed his bags with all the Xbox games he could steal until Optimus Prime looked in his direction, making him feel automatically guilty. He left with all his things and ONLY his things... and the conch shell Bee "gave" him. But it was his now. So yeah.

The drive back was quiet, relaxed, but a bit blue as all return-from-vacation trips were. Mikaela and Miles fell asleep in the back seat as Sam pretended to drive, watching as all of Miles' random landmarks zipped past Bumblebee's window.

"Sam?"

"Yeah, Bee?"

"How are we gonna explain this to your parents?"

"Um... same way we explained you guys?"

"Fair enough."

And then they drove through Toon Town from Who Framed Roger Rabbit for about two seconds before arriving back at Sam's house.

It was quiet.

"... friggin' cool." Sam made a mental note to write down as much of the vacation as he could remember. "Friggin' friggin' cool."

Please forgive my less-than-knowledgeable stance on Movieverse Transformers. I did the best I could with the TF Wiki. Transformers Animated coming up at some point in the future.


End file.
